The Bible describes the relationship between husband and wife as being united into one body. When a man and a woman are united into one body, the two form a kind of community. This community is the one in which the two are intimately related to each other as the two become one flesh. The precondition that husband and wife become united as a couple is that both leave their parents. Leaving one's parents does not mean severing from them, but rather a step towards unity between the two. Each of them came into the world through their parents, and their personalities were developed and shaped under the influence of their parents. But, to become a couple which is a new level of community, each must leave his or her parents. When we think of leaving our parents, the first thing we think of is the independence of our living space. But leaving doesn't just mean spatial independence. Even if spatial independence is achieved, there are cases in which children does not leave their parents, and even if the children live with their parents, they can accomplish the task of leaving their parents. Traditionally, even after marriage, the eldest son or the youngest lived in the same household with his parents. Even today, couples who cannot afford a separate living space live in the same house with their parents. There are also couples who live with their parents to take care of their elderly parents. In all these cases, even if we live with our parents, the priority in the relationship should be the couple. At the heart of leaving parents is the relationship's priority. The key idea of leaving parents is to redefine the priority of relationships. Leaving parents means that the relationship priority changes from parents to his or her spouse. Before marriage, their relationship priority is their parents, but it needs to change to their spouse when they marry. Changing their relationship priority becomes easier if the couple live away from their parents. However, relationship priority is different issue from spatial distance. In the matter of leaving parents, both spouses must leave their own parents. Some say that it is more important for a husband to leave his parents than for a wife because of the saying “a man departs from his parents” (Genesis 2:24), but the reality is that both must leave their parents. In the past, in the traditional society, there were many wives who suffered because of their husbands who could not leave their parents, but recently, there are also many husbands who are stressed because of their wives who cannot leave their parents. It is a problem if both husband and wife are unable to leave their own parents. However, even if one of them fails to accomplish the task, it will still hinder the unity of the couple. Even though one party tries to change the relationship priority, there will be difficulties between them to live together as a couple if the other party does not change the priority. Now, what is the specific meanings of leaving parents and becoming independent? We all depend on our parents in many ways while we are growing up. But as each person grows up, he or she must gradually prepare himself/herself to live independently from his or her parents. In order to live an independent life, we need to achieve independence basically in two ways. One is psychological independence, and the other is economic independence. First, leaving parents means getting out of psychological dependence on parents. To achieve psychological independence means to take responsibility for one's own choices. Young people generally practice psychological weaning through puberty though a complete weaning has not yet occurred. However, just as a baby must be weaned from the mother at some point, a mature child must complete psychological weaning at the time of marriage at the latest. Of course, even if we are married, there may be times when we ask our parents advice or other help. However, such cases are requests for temporary help and are different from psychological dependence. Paul Tournier, a Swiss physician and the founder of Medicine of the Person, says that if we have adolescent rebelliousness toward our parents after marriage, we have not been able to get out of the state of psychological dependence. Tournier advises that such a state means that there are people who influence us more closely than our spouse. Therefore, we must get rid of this psychological dependence in order to become united to our spouse in a free state. Leaving parents also includes not to extend the feelings of anger resulted from the hurts by parents into the relationship with one’s spouse. While we are growing up, we are bound to be influenced by our parents, and that influence tends to last for the rest of our life. If it is a desirable influence, it is good for us to cherish it for the rest of our life, but if it is a negative influence, it is important to be free from that influence of our parents. The root of anger or bitterness is latent in the individual's conscious or unconscious mind and negatively affects the marital relationship for those who cannot let go of the wounds that they received from their parents. Therefore, it is necessary for each couple to be free from the negative influence of their parents by checking whether any wounds or negative emotions remain in their relationship with their parents, and by understanding and forgiving the weaknesses and faults of their parents. Next, leaving one's parents means financial independence from them. Young couples can get financial help from their parents depending on their circumstances, but married couples should find a way to become financially independent as soon as possible. It is because economic dependence prevents them from living an autonomous life independent of their parents. Even if they live with their parents, the couple should be able to set up their own economic plan and have economic autonomy. To have economic autonomy means to have economical responsibility and it also means to take responsibility for their own lives without depending on their parents. Besides psychological and economic independence, leaving parents involves some other things. For example, it means not forcing the ways of their own parents on the spouse. If husband and wife impose the ways of their family of origin on their spouses, the two will always have to live with potential for conflicts. Therefore, couples should be reminded that they have left their family of origin and have become a new body. And when tension arises because of the different ways of their respective families, they need to find a way that both can agree on without criticizing the other. (JinGyung Yang/Park)
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