Recently, I heard from my youngest daughter who is studying in Germany that in Europe there are many couples who live together without getting married. Some of them have children and live together for life, but they do not marry. The main reason that they do not marry is that they are afraid of getting divorced. They do not have confidence that they will live the rest of their lives without changing their minds after they marry. My husband and I came to Eswatini at the end of August 2021. I have found that people are very gentle and kind. Children are lovely and all of them have pretty eyes. However, some of the sad things that I have found in Eswatini are: (1) There are a lot of children whose mothers are unmarried, and fathers are not with them; (2) Free-spirited sex and divorce seem to be rampant throughout the society; (3) The notion of lifelong commitment to marriage is becoming weaker. The Bible says that marriage should be honored by all. (Heb. 13:4) In the past, husbands and wives were more likely to spend their whole lives together because of their shared responsibility for raising children and their loyalty to the family. Traditionally, most families have been patriarchal, and the wife was considered inferior to her husband. However, in modern times when respect for each person is emphasized, the atmosphere of gender equality has been heightened in society, and these social changes are reflected in marital relationships. Respect for an individual includes respect for feelings as well as rights of the individual. Accordingly, the rights and feelings of both husband and wife came to be considered equally important. In addition, marriage has come to be understood primarily as the relationship between husband and wife rather than as an institution in a society. Furthermore, understanding of sex in marriage has been changed. In the past, its emphasis was on having children with husband-centered perspective in its enjoyment. In modern times, however, expression of romantic love has been emphasized and emotions of both husband and wife are considered important. People came to give high value on the sense of happiness of an individual rather than on the loyalty to their spouses. As a result, the relationship between husband and wife shakes when they do not feel happiness in their marriage; and more and more people are leaving their spouses and children. It is desirable to understand marriage as the relationship between husband and wife rather than as a social institution. However, if the basis of the relationship between husband and wife is on their feelings, then the marriage could be likened to a ship drifting at sea without an anchor. The emotions or feelings of human beings cannot provide the strength to sustain the marriage. What keeps a marriage stable is not emotion, but commitment to the relationship, the promise made between the two of them. The Bible describes one’s spouse as a partner of marriage covenant. (Mal 2:14) In the Bible, covenant is the relationship that God made with his people, and it is a promise of love toward the other party. Marriage is the relationship that follows the covenant spirit of the Bible and, therefore, marriage covenant has two major characteristics: unconditional love and lifelong commitment. In fact, marriage is a pledge of unconditional love for one another and an act of establishing a lasting relationship. Understanding marriage as a covenant between husband and wife to be together for the rest of their lives can help them keep their commitment to their spouse even when they do not feel happy at times. However, many people today understand marriage as a contract rather than a covenant. Two people who make a contractual relationship are opposites in their interests. Those who understand marriage as a contractual relationship do not understand the other as a member of one team. Instead, they think that each exists for his or her own benefit. To understand the contractual relationship easily, consider the case where two people make a contract in business. After reading the contract very carefully, the two sign the contract, not for the other party's sake, but for one’s sake to avoid a loss. Therefore, people in a contractual relationship end the relationship when they think they make a loss. It is very sad that the spirit of a contract has entered the marital relationship because a marriage governed by the spirit of a contract cannot hold strong bonds. Since marriage is a commitment to a covenant relationship, couples should be willing to sacrifice themselves for their spouse rather than taking the other for their own benefit. The spirit of a contract makes a person think he or she can break the contract if the other person doesn't give him or her happy feelings, but the spirit of a covenant does not break the relationship even if the other party doesn't give him or her happy feelings. That does not mean that feelings between the two aren't important, but that emotions or feelings can't be the anchor to maintain the marriage. Couples who understand marriage as a covenant relationship and give sacrificial love to each other can keep their feelings of love more stable. In addition, marriage is not only a covenant that husband and wife make toward each other, but also a covenant they make together before God. Since God is the witness of the two people making a covenant with each other, the covenant is more solid. Although there are cases in which the covenant between husband and wife cannot be kept due to human weakness and hard-heartedness (Mt 19:8), the two people who entered the marriage covenant are fundamentally “not two, but one flesh” (Mt 19:6). We must strive to uphold our commitment to the covenant relationship between husband and wife. In doing so, we will experience genuine, not superficial, happiness with a sense of stability. (JinGyung Yang/Park) |
